I have felt disconnected for a while now. Maybe longer than a while. Maybe a really long while. I have prayed about it and tried to discover exactly why I felt so separated from people. What is it about me that keeps me distant, that makes me feel like there is a wall built between me and everyone else?
I am not comfortable with vulnerability. It is scary. I have been caught off guard and left myself too vulnerable to attack too many times. I suppose I thought I needed to build a wall to protect myself. It is a pretty well-established wall now. This is the wall that protects me, but this is also the wall that leaves me feeling alone and disconnected. There are so many faces of people that I see every Sunday at church, every weekday at work and on regular events at my children's schools and yet I do not even know their names. How hard would it be to make the effort to get to know people a little better? Seems so hard, but it really isn't. When the challenges in life some my way, my knowledge will not sustain me, but true connections and relationships with others will!
In Luke 7:36-50, we see a woman expressing true vulnerability. She enters the home of a Pharisee, uninvited, to sit at the feet of Jesus. She weeps tears on his feet and wipes the tears with her hair. She anoints his feet with precious ointment from an alabaster flask. I can picture in my mind the faces of those around her. We are not comfortable with the vulnerability of others, either. We have been so trained to "fake it 'til we make it". We are not supposed to show the broken places in our lives. I can picture the others in the room shifting their weight nervously and looking anywhere but at this woman who is not following the "rules" of society. But she did not care. She wanted true intimacy with Jesus and Jesus rewarded her for her willingness to be a true FOLLOWER. Jesus told her "your faith has saved you, now go in peace." The Pharisee on the other hand was just a FAN. He knew the rules, but not the spirit of the rules. He wanted to be rewarded for who he was and what he knew. This is not the relationship that God wants with us. Nor is it the relationship he expects us to develop with other people. People do not care what you know until they know that you care. God want us to passionately pursue a relationship with him and to be a blessing to others! You simply cannot do either without allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
So how do I start to take bricks down from my well-built wall? Reaching out and making connections with other people seems to be the answer. So how do we do that? Well, my husband and I have recently volunteered to work in the 4 and 5 year old Sunday school classroom at our church. And we have signed up for a small group that meets weekly so we can start to connect with 5 other couples from our church in a more intimate way. I have even started a side business that allows me to meet other women, share God's love for them and make new connections as a daughter of the King of Kings. These things are all a good start, but they won't bring the wall down. In order to truly be connected, we have to be vulnerable to others. I have to be vulnerable to others. I want to be vulnerable to others because I want to experience true intimacy with Jesus. The wall must come down.
In his book, Not a Fan, Kyle Idleman shares the difference between being a FAN of Jesus and being a FOLLOWER of Jesus. Many Christians are fans. We work hard to LOOK the part. We put on the Christian t-shirt and cheer for Jesus from the sidelines. But we are called to be followers, not fans on the sidelines. In my desire to protect myself from others, I have naturally gravitated to the sideline. This is not the life God created me to lead. Jesus wants me "in the game". We have the right idea, but it will take more than a few Sundays of our time. It will cost something to be a follower. It might cost friends. It might cost a promotion at work. But the cost is minimal when compared to the opportunity to truly follow Jesus.
Luke 7:36-50 English Standard Version (ESV)
A Sinful Woman Forgiven36 One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, 38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” 40 And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”
41 “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42 When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. 46 You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” 48 And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” 49 Then those who were at table with him began to say among[a] themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” 50 And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”